I have a theory....

So ...Jesus, right? Immaculate conception, or did Mary just get unwittingly boned by a ninja?

Think about it.

Will this girl EVER shut up about zombies???

Nawp.

This post isn't so much about zombies (psh, who am I kidding, it's a LOT about zombies, but there's other stuff too) as it is about the way our perception of a writer/novelist/book-maker-upper changes the way we read and enjoy books.

I just finished the first two of the saucy threesome that is Day by Day Armageddon by J.L. Bourne. I got the first one for my birfday and finished it within a matter of 7 hours. I. Could. Not. Put. It. Down. Not only was it comparable to zombie fiction gold like World War Z by Max Brooks, it was a whole new level because of the in-depth tactical explanations and mind blowing suggestion of what may have caused the zombie apocalypse (the final explanation will hopefully be fleshed out in the third and final book because sweet baby jebus let me tell you, my brain hurts from looking on forums and then having to google things like "nanobots," the "Compton Scattering Effect," "crumple drive," and "physics" BLECK...science? Is important? To understand things??? Not a fan.) <---Wow, if you were expecting me to use parenthesis correctly at any point and time in this blog or in my life for that matter, you are in for a world of pain ma friend.

So...science. It's real, and despite as gross and impossible it is to understand it serves it's purpose allowing the author to walk a very fine line between reality and fiction. It also does a world of good for the credibility of the author to be clearly immersed in the facts of the supposed reality he or she is asking you to believe in. I find this to be especially true in Orson Scott Card novels. That dude has studied his military history and space gooblety gock fa sho. Ender's Game is hands down the book I have most reread in my entire life. About thirty times. The others in the series are more than worth a returning read, but I keep going back to that one like literary meth. Or...cough syrup (that's addicting right? It's delicious I know that much).

I don't know if I'm just a weirdo banana goo goo, but I really like researching the background of the authors of books I connect to, and get epically immersed in. I feel like I'm getting an even more intimate look at something I've dissected with love. Once I got to know some more things about Orson Scott Card, my brain stamped a resounding approval on a man I have never met before. Through interviews and Forewords I decided "decent human being, someone who is bettering the world with his words." At that point I became even more involved with a genre I had never touched before (Sci-Fi). It became a semi-obsession. I had to have every book by this writer because I felt I was bettering myself through osmosing (you know what I mean) off a person I admired.

I did the same thing with John Green, but the process was backwards-sauce. First I was a fan of his personality through his charming nerd video blog that he created with his brother Hank Green. Through this venue I discovered he was a writer and thus my next collection of interest-in-author-based book purchases began. And I wasn't disappointed, oh no, somehow the reading experience was heightened by having a log of John's vocal signatures and inflections in my mind grapes from watching so many Vlogbrothers videos, like he was reading the book to me. Same with David Sedaris. I listened to one of his audiobooks on a long trip and after that I gained so much happy good times from reading his books with his voice in the narration seat. I watched hilarious clips of his appearances on talk shows and took even more joy in the knowledge that the author I chose to admire was legit, funny for realz, and someone I would high five in life (although David Sedaris wouldn't be in this equation as he has a phobia of people touching him).

So what happens when you find out you don't really care for the personality of an author whose book you really like, eh? Some would say, who gives a shit, it's not like you're ever going to hang out with this person, and just because YOU don't like what they have to say in real life doesn't mean other people don't. Well you have a valid point but for the sake of my argument I'm going to ask you to, for the time being, shut your dirty cock holster. As I mentioned before, I was visiting a certain discussion forum after having read the second book in the Day by Day Armageddon series. This forum was special because the author himself would post some responses to the posits of his fans and what their expectations and theories for the third and final book were. And that's when shit went downhill for me as a reader who likes to like the author as a person. One of the fan posts was as follows:

"I do not think sub-nanotechnology is a million years beyond our grasp right now. I do however believe that detecting sub-nanotechnology is beyond out current technological limitations. .5 angstrom is .005 nanometres. For there to be sub-nano circuitry you would have to have a resolution greater than that. .5 angstrom resolution allows you to see the spaces and edges of an atom. What you are talking about you would have to be able to actually see the atom with a resolution to see the electrons, protons, and neutrons of the atom. I am not calling bullshit on what your saying just that I dont think we are a million years from the point of that kind of observation."

I told you science sucks to read about. But anyways, this was a fan's opinion and in an open forum he had every right to share it. This was the response of the author to the above post:

"I don't need you to agree with me.  I'm the one writing the novels, not you.  Feel free to write your own novel, get it published somehow and have people that think they know something about nano-tech/sub-nano tech TRY and pick it apart, unsuccessfully.  Good luck." 

Ugh. What's that sour taste in my mouth? Oh yeah, it's your ATTITUDE Mr. Writer Man! Dude was just trying to get his nerd on and debate physics like bros do (nope...no they don't) and you've got to shut him down like that? Un-savory, good sir. That's what I say. Now I said I had already read the first two books before reading this forum and the third one has yet to be released but I had put it on pre-order when I ordered the second book. But when I read that statement I felt myself cringe at the thought of reading it, of being one of the many readers paying for this guy's fame and fortune when he didn't seem to even appreciate his fans. I began to think of the things I didn't really care for in the second book. All because I assessed someone's attitude as "not the hero I wanted him to be." You know what that makes me? A dookie head. 

How dare I make a snap judgment on someone's personality that I have never and statistically will never meet face to face? Maybe Bourne was having a bad day, maybe he was sick of his work that he's put so much time and effort into getting pulled apart by the physics bullies. Seriously, what's has two thumbs and is total dookie head? This beezy (points to self, jabs self in eye on accident). Maybe give someone the benefit of the doubt today like I should have done instead of rage stroking at the failure of an icon that didn't live up to the role he didn't choose for himself, but that I placed upon him. 

Because in the end, aren't we all just one big world of dookie heads?

The Adult Diaper Chronicles

Don't let the title throw you. You'll start reading this and think, what the hell does this blog have to do with adult diapers and all I can say is, trust me, we'll get there.

So I've been feeling lately that I have officially reached that transition in one's life, that everyone goes through, where they lose touch with the current Youth of the times and their stupid interests and feelings. If I sound embittered it's only because that was my heyday not too long ago. So these little bastards can suck it (I kid...mostly). This transition of "losing touch with today's youth" is followed by the distant future transition of "losing touch with reality" and then shortly thereafter the transition of "losing touch with my bladder control." Hence, adult diapers. BOOYAH, got there faster than I thought I would *takes a break to momentarily high five myself*. I'm not exactly sure when I lost touch with the current pop culture and its inner workings but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with shifting out of college and into the real world. Some people might think, "Whatevs, I work while in college. I KNOW the real world." And then they add a "psshh" for good measure and then I'm like "Stop sipping on your Haterade and imbibe my logistics for sec." Insert "Gahhhhd" here. College is a warm blanket of reassurance, with built-in friends, mentors, and posters that tell you what's cool so you don't even have to think about it. College plans your events and gives the ego boosting feeling of being "involved" in something bigger than yourself. A "purpose" one might call it. Then you get out of college and nobody hands you shit. Unless you're on a city bus, and then the probability of someone handing you actual shit goes up immensely. Yeah college should have prepared  you with a pretty good base of where to go and what to do to pursue your dreams (which will change every five seconds after college, because usually your dream jobs don't pay well and parents are notorious for not footing your bills after college, as well they should be) but you realize very quickly that you don't really know what you're doing or what the hell is going on in general. Welcome to Adulthood! So, in scrounging around for something to do to pay for things like talking to the morons at Comcast for six days in a row because they don't really seem to know what cable is or how to "provide" it, you will lose touch with current music, fashion, and youthful trends. It happens. And I feel pretty ok about it. Let's go to Example Time. For example, I've heard from various sources, numerous in the past month, that highschool chaps and chippies like to do it in the B in order to avoid pregnancy. I'm all for avoiding teen pregnancy but I'm like...it's still your B. When did that get thrown on the table? For high school kids? Those crazy poop mongers! Ehhh, ok ya know what...I'm gonna steer away from this episode of Example Time because I have firsthand knowledge that family members of mine read this blog and if my consistent use of profanity hasn't disappointed them enough I'm pretty sure talking about high school butt sex is a one way ticket to them disowning me. Oh god I hope my grandfather never learns how to properly use the internet.

Sooo onward we go. To the diapers. THE DIAPERS I SAY! I don't know what everyone is so scared about. If I had my way, adult diapers would already be an acceptable part of daily living for any one, any age, any mobility. Can you imagine how much time you would save and more work and creative endeavors you could get done if you had the freedom of crapping whilst doing so? It's all about multitasking, people. And those feint of heart might think "But the smell! The smell!" To that I say get Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and a couple dudes from NASA on it and I'm sure they could whip us up something real nice, free of smell. I bet we could even get a green friendly diaper doodad going if we put our minds to it. My point is it's all about perspective. That's always my point. I have very few points but many derivations and useless examples for each. It's kind of my thing. You think getting old is scary? Yeah well, nut up and look at all the awesome stuff. One of my biggest fears about getting old is crazy ugly wrinkles, flabby skin, and the battle to stay thin or even medium, getting harder and harder (because I'm not the hugest fan of "trying" or "making an effort"...especially when it comes to working out) but it's going to happen. All I can do is make sure my brain is really awesome by that time because no one's going to wanna hang around me to swoon over my tube sock boobs. But there's cool stuff too! Like retirement! And old people homes! Playing card games all day, reading, pondering, and developing a wiser understanding of the world? Um, yah. I could definitely get down on that. I'm here to infer (because granted I don't actually know) that it doesn't get worse as we get older. It just gets...different. And different can be pretty rad.

(You can bet your ass I'll be rockin tiaras at age 90. And I already have those glasses. Good to go.)

I dream of Meatie

I HATE THIS. What was I thinking? No meat for a month. Stupid. Just stupid. My dreams are now being invaded with visions of hot dogs and food courts where I straight up gorge myself on the nearest savory dead animals. Yeah yeah I'm trying new things. And yeah yeah most of those things are really delicious i.e. black bean soup with onion, cilantro, cumin, and vegetable broth (crazy tasty times a million) but am I satiated? Hello no. Do I feel better? Nope. If anything I'm a more consistent nap taker because I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I am going to finish out my self proclaimed sentence but I am not happy about it. And mark my words, come July 4th I will celebrate my American heritage by participating in the age old tradition of gluttonous meat eating. I will welcome the stomach ache and meat sweats because I can. Then I'll do a wicked burnout in my Mustang and the crowd will go wild. Jealous? Thought so.

The author neither condones nor discourages anyone from vegetarianism, veganism, or carnivor...ism. Cannibalism is a maybe, depending on your current predicaments. Try things, do what works for you, and high five the world whilst doing so.

                                          
                                     (Meatwad make the money see. Meatwad get the honeys G.)
     http://video.adultswim.com/aqua-teen-hunger-force/aqua-teens-assemble.html

Veggie Update-a-Roo

Hey remember when I said I would update this every other day? Yeahhhh, well I think we all know now that that's simply not gonna happen. I am a creature of procrastination and healthy doses of laziness. So here we are. 2 weeks later and I'm here to tell you being a vegetarian is suspiciously easy. Granted, I do sometimes get a hankering for a juicy burger or a delicious taco...a pizza with a wall of cascading pepperonis, glistening with an oily dew. Whoa ok, I might be going through a little bit of withdrawal. But for the most part it's kind of exciting to try something new. Tofu burger from Crepeville? To that I say Not Too Shabs. Asparagus salad with feta and almonds from Bernardo's? Stupid delicious! One important thing I learned about vegetarianism is that it is a lot harder if you don't plan ahead with your meals. I ate a bag of nuts (hahahahha...bag of nuts) one day because I forgot to pack my lunch the night before. Lack of fore-planning may result in a brutal case of the CrankyPants McGoo's. I like reading interviews so I thought I might create a fake one in order to up the ante blog-wise and sum up this semi-boring completely self-indulgent subject. Enjoy!

So Lady I've Never Met Before, do you feel healthier now that you've been a vegetarian for 2 weeks?

Nah. 


Have you lost any weight since becoming a vegetarian?


Nope.


Well you look great.


Are you hitting on me? 


Oh, no. God no. Um, let's move on. Do you think you will continue with your vegetarianism even though the goal was only for a month?


I think I might extend it for another month and then expand into a pescatarian diet. Fish has a crap load of good stuff for you and I like getting those Omega 3's so I can continue to awe the world with the power of my brain. 


Wow, that's very...humble of you to say...


I know. 


I think we're done here.




So there you have it. Two weeks in the can and still going strong. DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK.

A Meat Eater's Vegetarian Experimonth

I love me some meat. It pleases me. I have never once in my life considered the option of being a vegetarian or vegan (vegans still scare the bejeezes out of me. Anyone with that amount of willpower should go kick it in their Fortress of Solitude with their distant cousin Kal El and leave us under achievers to our procrastination and awesome ability to disappoint those around us) so I think a lot of people who know me and my voracious meat eating habits would raise an eyebrow or two at the choice to try out vegetarianism for a month that is not in any direct relation to Lent (I don't "do" Lent but I do appreciate its comedic value at the thought of people giving up chocolate and trans fats to bring them closer to God). My Robot (if you're confused by that reference Re: Blog Below This One) used to be a vegetarian as well until my use of the word "hippie" in regards to his eating habits slowly wore him down and broke his spirit. It is to this day one of my proudest accomplishments in our relationship. Actually this whole situation plays out like the Modern Family episode where Claire goes psycho bananas on Phil for never trying anything she suggests, but when other people suggest it, it sounds exotic and exciting. As per usual Robot plays the girl and I play the clueless husband who just can't seem to get it right.

 

So allow me to explain myself. I have found out the hard way that I am merely a brainwashed minion for the overlords known as John and Hank Green (the Vlogbrothers of YouTube fame) and their various ambitions to Decrease World Suck and make me and the rest of Nerdfighteria better social beings. Ugh. How dare they. Their latest devious ploy on my naivety involved the challenge to be a vegetarian for just one month and see how you like it, because it decreases the suck and torture of animals. And I was like "yes. YES. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. I WILL DO THAT IMMEDIATELY." And then I was all rainbows and sunshine until Robot's chagrin brought me back down to the muddy realization that I am a brainwashed minion and he was my Origin of Species when it came to vegetarianism, not those distant overlords who inspire my inner workings. SO, even though I'm getting into it for all the wrong reasons and I'm like 40 years late in the game, I'm going to be a vegetarian for one month and document it.......guess..... just do it...just do a little guessin for meh...HERE. Let the meat strike BEGIN!

                    (She can finally follow her dreams now that I won't be eating her this month.)



                                                                         Day 1

-Cold, so very very cold.

Nah but for real, this is cake status.

Breakfast
-Asiago Bagel with Sundried Tomato Cream Cheese and Avocado plus Strawbs and Grawps (if you want to say it fancy-like)

Lunch
I had...crap, what did I have for lunch? I really don't remember but I know it wasn't meat and for arguments sake we'll say it was a salad. 


Dinner
I had Tofu, Broccoli, and Carrots marinated in Kung Pao sauce over Fried Rice.

If you'd like to use my recipes for your own vegetarian diet...well it doesn't really affect me, now does it? So do whatever you want, I like you just the way you are. Yes. You. I'm right behind you. Ok ok I'm not right behind you, but you should be glad that I'm not. Can you imagine how strained our relationship would be if you turned around after reading that and then BAM there I was? We'd have some real trust issues to work out. Anyway, I'll be posting semi-daily with more boring nutritional updates and sporadic jabs at society with ever charming self deprecating humor you've come to know and tolerate. Join me won't you?

Now shoo.

An Ode to a Robot

I'd like to preface by saying...this is gonna get gross. And by gross I mean, it involves feelings of the goopy, mushy, kissy foo foo kind. Bleck, I know. I hate it too. But that's a minimal percent I promise. Still 90% kickassery and 5% made up words, with the left over 5% being the goop of which I speak.

So I met a boy, through two friends, through an awesome Victorian 4plex apartment where many lives were changed. We met on Halloween when I was dressed as Punk Rock Red (my own take on Little Red Riding Hood that involved black leather hiking books and fingerless gloves) and he as Brett from Flight of the Conchords (double swoon). He even came fully loaded with a guitar and ample knowledge of the FOTC playlist. He played, I sang, and one fateful picture was taken of the two of us posing with the guitar, his expression goofily happy and mine on the brink of "full rock out" mode (It is now on our fridge). A mismatched yet charming pair of strangers. And that was it...for a long time. It wasn't love at first sight or even second or third awkward high five hello while passing in the doorways. It was acquaintances bordering on mild friendship. Our mutual friendships put us in the same room for holidays, parties, and special occasions and enough conversations had been had to know that this was a stand up guy with a sense of humor so ridiculously hilarious that not everyone is cool enough to get it. And watching the people who don't get it, react to it, icing on the cake. 

I learned that he gave guitar and piano lessons for a living, so I sacked up and asked for a few guitar lessons in exchange for ...well, nothing I think. I think I just asked for free guitar lessons. Clearly I'm not one for manners. But fate being as it would, he obliged and came over to teach me the Harry Potter theme song, the famous asian riff that goes a little something like Dadadada-da-da-dun-dun-daa!, and various chords that I renamed to Dragon, Dumbledore, Apple, Egg, and other things that range in importance to me. I wanna say this was around the time where I became semi-smitten. I was in a "not a fan of love" phase of my life so this was a feat in and of itself. And then we went kayaking and saw a dinosaur bird and a deer and I knew then and there that whatever this was, it was made of a certain type of magic that I would be a fool not to pursue. So I did. 

This led to a long a courtship that resulted in the first holding of hands after about a month. And I'd like to remind you that this is people in their mid twenties. Also known as nerds. Ahhhh nerd love. It really is the best kind. And then came the first kiss that everyone and their mom witnessed. Clearly doorways are not made for first kisses. But all our friends get a nice, neat, hilarious memory from it so who am I to complain? 

After that it was mainly the Business of Fun that we attended to. Midnight bike rides, movies, chess, scrabble, coffee, dancing, walking, endless high fives, making up songs about the things we were currently doing (think Scrubs "Waffle Time Waffle Time, won't you have some waffles of mine?" but all the time and involving tooth brushing and everything else ever) and just so many other things that my brain gets tired thinking of them all. Because of all this, I discovered his true purpose in my life. Clearly, someone so perfect for me was nearer to an impossibility than anything else. So, being a fan of Occam's razor, I concocted this succinct little ditty. This boy was a Robot, sent from the future by Chinese scientists to kill me. Made to my exact specifications in order to dupe me into total vulnerable sicky goop love that my defenses were utterly shattered. And it worked! Oh by the hammer of Thor, did it! After discovering their evil plan I did what any sensible human being would do. I said "Well done evil scientists. I know this perfect Robot brings my doom, but ya know what? Totally. Worth it."

Fin.