A Scene in Few to Several Minutes
(open on a woman on the ground staring up at the barrel of a crackwhore’s gun. She is being robbed and fears for her life. Crackwhore has a rough cockney accent)
CRACKWHORE
I said gimme all your money!
VICTIM
I swear to God I don’t have money, please don’t kill
me!
(magical fairy
music plays, a Fairy Godmother appears)
FAIRY
GODMOTHER
Hello dear! I
am your Fairy Godmother and I am here to make all your dreams come tr…oh my
what are you doing to that poor young maiden?
CRACKWHORE
I’m getting me livin wage, mind your own business
freak!
FAIRY
GODMOTHER
Oh…perhaps I have the wrong…aren’t you Cinderella?
CRACKWHORE
I used to be called Cinderella, now I go by Weasel,
if you don’t mind. Now BUGGER OFF!
FAIRY
GODMOTHER
Oh dear I must be much later than I thought, you see
I was to prepare you for the Prince’s Ball, but the Wizard Pass was jammed,
there was an accident off of Fruitridge and I was wand to wand in traffic, you
know how it goes.
CRACKWHORE
Get to the point or
I’ll paint a new smile on you!
FAIRY
GODMOTHER
The ball, dear girl! We must get you to the ball,
we’ve not a second to lose!
CRACKWHORE
There was a ball, some 20 odd years ago. Changed me
life forever. Made me Weasel.
FAIRY
GODMOTHER
Oh right, I always forget about that human to fairy
time ratio. Blergh. But what about your animal friends, didn’t they help you
realize your royal worth?
CRACKWHORE
If you’re makin gums about those mice and birds I
heard talkin all the bloody time, they landed me in the psychiatric ward if you
must know. Turns out hearing animals talk isn’t the best way to seem sane.
(Animals talking is primarily the result of tripping serious balls. See your local apothecary for treatment options.)
FAIRY
GODMOTHER
Oh no, I am so sorry I wasn’t there to help you. I
was going to conjure beautiful glass slippers for you to wear to the ball.
CRACKWHORE
Ah yeah? Maybe then I wouldn’t have walked barefoot
to the ball and gotten me some wicked acute cellulitis. Thanks for nothing, now
if you please I got some stabbing to tend to.
VICTIM
No! Please!
FAIRY
GODMOTHER
Wait! You didn’t even get the blueprints for the
gown I designed for you? I faxed it to your father’s estate before I left!
CRACKWHORE
Seeing as my evil stepsister’s used the office to
fax their buttcheeks to every duke in the kingdom, no I was never allowed in
there after me father died. Never saw no gown. Fact, I walked to the ball in my
rags and was immediately sent down to the servants quarters and sold into
prostitution. That’s where I got me new name, Weasel.
FAIRY
GODMOTHER
Well I was assigned to help you…become the princess
of the kingdom.
CRACKWHORE
Let me get this right, I could’ve been princess of
the kingdom, but because you got caught in traffic I’m here murderin for a
pence?
VICTIM
Seriously, you are terrible at your job.
FAIRY
GODMOTHER
Hey hey hey! Let’s not point fingers here! I did my
best! There was a sale at Wargstrom’s! Was I just supposed to pass up 50% on
conjurer’s robes? That stuff is expensive! So I’m sorry that your life took a
turn for the worse because of one little hiccup, but maybe that’s on you. Look
at your life, look at your choices.
CRACKWHORE
Nah…I
don’t think I buy that. I was your responsibility and you went and pulled a Gus
Gus.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Oh
my gooood! Gus Gus, how is he?
CRACKWHORE
I
ate him! Because he kept talking to me, making me seem crazy! Now, I
think you two should reunite, seeing as how now you can fudge things up together.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Now
Cinderella, don’t do anything you’ll regret.
VICTIM
Do
it. Do it for both of us…or don’t you remember me, Fairy Godmother?
FAIRY GODMOTHER AND CRACKWHORE
Bwahhh?
VICTIM
bag because I lived with seven dudes. Maybe if my FAIRY GODMOTHER had shown up I never would have had to find safety in the arms of seven tiny men!
You’ve
been letting women down all over the kingdom for years.
Now it’s high
time for payback. Cinderella, is it? Let’s give this twinkly bitch what’s coming
to her.
(they go after Fairy Godmother
with a war cry and run her off. Lights Out.)
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