Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I dream of Meatie

I HATE THIS. What was I thinking? No meat for a month. Stupid. Just stupid. My dreams are now being invaded with visions of hot dogs and food courts where I straight up gorge myself on the nearest savory dead animals. Yeah yeah I'm trying new things. And yeah yeah most of those things are really delicious i.e. black bean soup with onion, cilantro, cumin, and vegetable broth (crazy tasty times a million) but am I satiated? Hello no. Do I feel better? Nope. If anything I'm a more consistent nap taker because I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I am going to finish out my self proclaimed sentence but I am not happy about it. And mark my words, come July 4th I will celebrate my American heritage by participating in the age old tradition of gluttonous meat eating. I will welcome the stomach ache and meat sweats because I can. Then I'll do a wicked burnout in my Mustang and the crowd will go wild. Jealous? Thought so.

The author neither condones nor discourages anyone from vegetarianism, veganism, or carnivor...ism. Cannibalism is a maybe, depending on your current predicaments. Try things, do what works for you, and high five the world whilst doing so.

                                     (Meatwad make the money see. Meatwad get the honeys G.)

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Veggie Update-a-Roo

Hey remember when I said I would update this every other day? Yeahhhh, well I think we all know now that that's simply not gonna happen. I am a creature of procrastination and healthy doses of laziness. So here we are. 2 weeks later and I'm here to tell you being a vegetarian is suspiciously easy. Granted, I do sometimes get a hankering for a juicy burger or a delicious taco...a pizza with a wall of cascading pepperonis, glistening with an oily dew. Whoa ok, I might be going through a little bit of withdrawal. But for the most part it's kind of exciting to try something new. Tofu burger from Crepeville? To that I say Not Too Shabs. Asparagus salad with feta and almonds from Bernardo's? Stupid delicious! One important thing I learned about vegetarianism is that it is a lot harder if you don't plan ahead with your meals. I ate a bag of nuts (hahahahha...bag of nuts) one day because I forgot to pack my lunch the night before. Lack of fore-planning may result in a brutal case of the CrankyPants McGoo's. I like reading interviews so I thought I might create a fake one in order to up the ante blog-wise and sum up this semi-boring completely self-indulgent subject. Enjoy!

So Lady I've Never Met Before, do you feel healthier now that you've been a vegetarian for 2 weeks?


Have you lost any weight since becoming a vegetarian?


Well you look great.

Are you hitting on me? 

Oh, no. God no. Um, let's move on. Do you think you will continue with your vegetarianism even though the goal was only for a month?

I think I might extend it for another month and then expand into a pescatarian diet. Fish has a crap load of good stuff for you and I like getting those Omega 3's so I can continue to awe the world with the power of my brain. 

Wow, that's very...humble of you to say...

I know. 

I think we're done here.

So there you have it. Two weeks in the can and still going strong. DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK.

Monday, June 6, 2011

A Meat Eater's Vegetarian Experimonth

I love me some meat. It pleases me. I have never once in my life considered the option of being a vegetarian or vegan (vegans still scare the bejeezes out of me. Anyone with that amount of willpower should go kick it in their Fortress of Solitude with their distant cousin Kal El and leave us under achievers to our procrastination and awesome ability to disappoint those around us) so I think a lot of people who know me and my voracious meat eating habits would raise an eyebrow or two at the choice to try out vegetarianism for a month that is not in any direct relation to Lent (I don't "do" Lent but I do appreciate its comedic value at the thought of people giving up chocolate and trans fats to bring them closer to God). My Robot (if you're confused by that reference Re: Blog Below This One) used to be a vegetarian as well until my use of the word "hippie" in regards to his eating habits slowly wore him down and broke his spirit. It is to this day one of my proudest accomplishments in our relationship. Actually this whole situation plays out like the Modern Family episode where Claire goes psycho bananas on Phil for never trying anything she suggests, but when other people suggest it, it sounds exotic and exciting. As per usual Robot plays the girl and I play the clueless husband who just can't seem to get it right.


So allow me to explain myself. I have found out the hard way that I am merely a brainwashed minion for the overlords known as John and Hank Green (the Vlogbrothers of YouTube fame) and their various ambitions to Decrease World Suck and make me and the rest of Nerdfighteria better social beings. Ugh. How dare they. Their latest devious ploy on my naivety involved the challenge to be a vegetarian for just one month and see how you like it, because it decreases the suck and torture of animals. And I was like "yes. YES. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. I WILL DO THAT IMMEDIATELY." And then I was all rainbows and sunshine until Robot's chagrin brought me back down to the muddy realization that I am a brainwashed minion and he was my Origin of Species when it came to vegetarianism, not those distant overlords who inspire my inner workings. SO, even though I'm getting into it for all the wrong reasons and I'm like 40 years late in the game, I'm going to be a vegetarian for one month and document it.......guess..... just do it...just do a little guessin for meh...HERE. Let the meat strike BEGIN!

                    (She can finally follow her dreams now that I won't be eating her this month.)

                                                                         Day 1

-Cold, so very very cold.

Nah but for real, this is cake status.

-Asiago Bagel with Sundried Tomato Cream Cheese and Avocado plus Strawbs and Grawps (if you want to say it fancy-like)

I had...crap, what did I have for lunch? I really don't remember but I know it wasn't meat and for arguments sake we'll say it was a salad. 

I had Tofu, Broccoli, and Carrots marinated in Kung Pao sauce over Fried Rice.

If you'd like to use my recipes for your own vegetarian diet...well it doesn't really affect me, now does it? So do whatever you want, I like you just the way you are. Yes. You. I'm right behind you. Ok ok I'm not right behind you, but you should be glad that I'm not. Can you imagine how strained our relationship would be if you turned around after reading that and then BAM there I was? We'd have some real trust issues to work out. Anyway, I'll be posting semi-daily with more boring nutritional updates and sporadic jabs at society with ever charming self deprecating humor you've come to know and tolerate. Join me won't you?

Now shoo.