Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Adult Diaper Chronicles

Don't let the title throw you. You'll start reading this and think, what the hell does this blog have to do with adult diapers and all I can say is, trust me, we'll get there.

So I've been feeling lately that I have officially reached that transition in one's life, that everyone goes through, where they lose touch with the current Youth of the times and their stupid interests and feelings. If I sound embittered it's only because that was my heyday not too long ago. So these little bastards can suck it (I kid...mostly). This transition of "losing touch with today's youth" is followed by the distant future transition of "losing touch with reality" and then shortly thereafter the transition of "losing touch with my bladder control." Hence, adult diapers. BOOYAH, got there faster than I thought I would *takes a break to momentarily high five myself*. I'm not exactly sure when I lost touch with the current pop culture and its inner workings but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with shifting out of college and into the real world. Some people might think, "Whatevs, I work while in college. I KNOW the real world." And then they add a "psshh" for good measure and then I'm like "Stop sipping on your Haterade and imbibe my logistics for sec." Insert "Gahhhhd" here. College is a warm blanket of reassurance, with built-in friends, mentors, and posters that tell you what's cool so you don't even have to think about it. College plans your events and gives the ego boosting feeling of being "involved" in something bigger than yourself. A "purpose" one might call it. Then you get out of college and nobody hands you shit. Unless you're on a city bus, and then the probability of someone handing you actual shit goes up immensely. Yeah college should have prepared  you with a pretty good base of where to go and what to do to pursue your dreams (which will change every five seconds after college, because usually your dream jobs don't pay well and parents are notorious for not footing your bills after college, as well they should be) but you realize very quickly that you don't really know what you're doing or what the hell is going on in general. Welcome to Adulthood! So, in scrounging around for something to do to pay for things like talking to the morons at Comcast for six days in a row because they don't really seem to know what cable is or how to "provide" it, you will lose touch with current music, fashion, and youthful trends. It happens. And I feel pretty ok about it. Let's go to Example Time. For example, I've heard from various sources, numerous in the past month, that highschool chaps and chippies like to do it in the B in order to avoid pregnancy. I'm all for avoiding teen pregnancy but I'm's still your B. When did that get thrown on the table? For high school kids? Those crazy poop mongers! Ehhh, ok ya know what...I'm gonna steer away from this episode of Example Time because I have firsthand knowledge that family members of mine read this blog and if my consistent use of profanity hasn't disappointed them enough I'm pretty sure talking about high school butt sex is a one way ticket to them disowning me. Oh god I hope my grandfather never learns how to properly use the internet.

Sooo onward we go. To the diapers. THE DIAPERS I SAY! I don't know what everyone is so scared about. If I had my way, adult diapers would already be an acceptable part of daily living for any one, any age, any mobility. Can you imagine how much time you would save and more work and creative endeavors you could get done if you had the freedom of crapping whilst doing so? It's all about multitasking, people. And those feint of heart might think "But the smell! The smell!" To that I say get Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and a couple dudes from NASA on it and I'm sure they could whip us up something real nice, free of smell. I bet we could even get a green friendly diaper doodad going if we put our minds to it. My point is it's all about perspective. That's always my point. I have very few points but many derivations and useless examples for each. It's kind of my thing. You think getting old is scary? Yeah well, nut up and look at all the awesome stuff. One of my biggest fears about getting old is crazy ugly wrinkles, flabby skin, and the battle to stay thin or even medium, getting harder and harder (because I'm not the hugest fan of "trying" or "making an effort"...especially when it comes to working out) but it's going to happen. All I can do is make sure my brain is really awesome by that time because no one's going to wanna hang around me to swoon over my tube sock boobs. But there's cool stuff too! Like retirement! And old people homes! Playing card games all day, reading, pondering, and developing a wiser understanding of the world? Um, yah. I could definitely get down on that. I'm here to infer (because granted I don't actually know) that it doesn't get worse as we get older. It just gets...different. And different can be pretty rad.

(You can bet your ass I'll be rockin tiaras at age 90. And I already have those glasses. Good to go.)


  1. those darnd' kids with there hair and there make up and in the B?