Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Zombie Apocalypse Training- The New 24hr Fitness

Soooo I have a minor obsession with the idea of a potential zombie apocalypse. As do most Americans I assume, judging by the ravenous zombie-based movie goers, TV hit AMC Walking Dead followers, Max Brooks readers (If you haven't read World War Z, I point the pointy finger of shame at you), and Zombie Pub Crawl enthusiasts. It's an epidemic, much like the zombie virus itself and I too have fallen victim to its awesomeness. For me, it's just a natural progression from my Buffy watching imaginary vampire slaying days, but  now I've taken the threat to a whole new level.
The change happened after reading the aforementioned book, World War Z by Max Brooks. If anybody can make the impending apocalypse feel real, it's that dude, hands mutherf&#*n down. Personal accounts that recount a past war of epic proportions fills every fiber of your being with fear, empathy, and a misplaced but necessary sense of badassness. It always surprises me when every person you ask pegs themselves as the for-sure survivors of the End of the World and their no-question ability to slay the undead. In all honesty, with every story perpetuating a percentage of survival at about 10% or less for ALL of civilization, the numbers just don't work in their favor. That being said, I would totally rock the zombie apocalypse and kitana my way to glory. Or at least I would try. And the effort starts here, in the now. I learned that from the follow up Max Brooks literary gold mine The Zombie Survival Guide. If I wanna follow in the footsteps of I Am Legend protagonist, Robert Neville (aside from the whole "minor descent into solitary madness and temptation to have sexy time relations with my dead wife" thing, talking about the book not the movie fyi) and survive day to day among the undead, I need to up my cardio workouts and STAT.
So I have a proposition (as I usually do) to start the Zombie Apocalypse Training Center for Winners!!! (I'm still debating the exclamation points). At our state of the art center you will excel at the wielding of various weaponry, strengthen your body to weather any situation, from climbing up to hard to reach places (because everyone knows the undead can't climb for shit) to trekking through various tundra on your search for survivors like yourself. Zombie simulated encounters included in your package! Call today!
Or...something to that effect. So join me in this effort, and tell your local gym to screw the conventional classes and give us something valuable like Undead Tactical Training to work with. Together, I believe we can barely survive this, and I mean that as the highest compliment to our human race. Actually that will probably be the catchphrase of the ZATCFW.

"Together we can. But just barely."


  1. A fellow zombie enthusiast wrote me a fb message concerning this particular blog and I was so impressed by his kick ass logic I've decided to include it here. Enjoy.

    Hey! Love the blog about the zombie apocalypse scenario. And although it's a pretty wild idea to even consider such a thing, me and a friend do consider it - and often! So me being a seasoned veteran in the Zed Head realm I thought I'd give some thoughts on things to consider for your (awesome) blog should you venture down this road again:

    1) Cardio sucks without proper fuel! Definitely should have a Survival Nutritionist class in your gym. With the vast majority of US citizens dependent on fast food and electricity, people are gonna need to know what's edible long & short term so they can eat accordingly! Don't forget them vitamins! The better you eat the longer you can out run Miss Daisy.

    2) Prepare to get up close and personal! Like you said you'll need training in various weaponry, but melee is the only way to go. Guns require ammo, blades don't. Guns are loud. Guns attract a lot of zombie attention. Melee weapons go hand-in-hand with the aforementioned cardio as well! And let's face it, lopping off a head with a blade is 10 notches higher than a bullet on the Badassery Scale.

    3) Dress for the occasion! You'll need plenty of proper clothes durable enough to withstand the inevitable Cha-Cha that you'll have with Z. The last thing you want as you admire your meat-wagon handiwork is to notice a cut on your arm. Wrap up! Those zombies didn't become zombies from having sex (well a few of them probably did). I recommend opening up a gear & clothing store at/near your new fitness locale.

    4) Survivors are a higher threat than the undead! Let's face it, if Natural Selection applied to us, we'd be extinct long before a zombie virus. The average Joe is... retarded. It may be your instinct to want to search for survivors but I urge you not to! The chances of them triggering a horde attack or ruining your stronghold are very high. My suggestion is to develop some sort of battery-operated communication system with people who graduate from your business ONLY! They're the ones with the highest chances of survival.


  2. make yourself a jump bag.
    what's a jump bag you might ask...it's a backpack with supplies to get you through 72 hours, that you keep in your home or car, preferably both. food, first aid, water and something to sterilize water, layer-able clothes for all seasons, flashlight edged blade weapons or whatever your weapon of choice, paracord etc-etc. three days of supplies may not sound like much but in the initial panic, it can be a lifesaver giving you time to get your bearings and get to safety. these are great for zombie infestations as well as other natural disasters.