Soooo I have a minor obsession with the idea of a potential zombie apocalypse. As do most Americans I assume, judging by the ravenous zombie-based movie goers, TV hit AMC Walking Dead followers, Max Brooks readers (If you haven't read World War Z, I point the pointy finger of shame at you), and Zombie Pub Crawl enthusiasts. It's an epidemic, much like the zombie virus itself and I too have fallen victim to its awesomeness. For me, it's just a natural progression from my Buffy watching imaginary vampire slaying days, but now I've taken the threat to a whole new level.
The change happened after reading the aforementioned book, World War Z by Max Brooks. If anybody can make the impending apocalypse feel real, it's that dude, hands mutherf&#*n down. Personal accounts that recount a past war of epic proportions fills every fiber of your being with fear, empathy, and a misplaced but necessary sense of badassness. It always surprises me when every person you ask pegs themselves as the for-sure survivors of the End of the World and their no-question ability to slay the undead. In all honesty, with every story perpetuating a percentage of survival at about 10% or less for ALL of civilization, the numbers just don't work in their favor. That being said, I would totally rock the zombie apocalypse and kitana my way to glory. Or at least I would try. And the effort starts here, in the now. I learned that from the follow up Max Brooks literary gold mine The Zombie Survival Guide. If I wanna follow in the footsteps of I Am Legend protagonist, Robert Neville (aside from the whole "minor descent into solitary madness and temptation to have sexy time relations with my dead wife" thing, talking about the book not the movie fyi) and survive day to day among the undead, I need to up my cardio workouts and STAT.
So I have a proposition (as I usually do) to start the Zombie Apocalypse Training Center for Winners!!! (I'm still debating the exclamation points). At our state of the art center you will excel at the wielding of various weaponry, strengthen your body to weather any situation, from climbing up to hard to reach places (because everyone knows the undead can't climb for shit) to trekking through various tundra on your search for survivors like yourself. Zombie simulated encounters included in your package! Call today!
Or...something to that effect. So join me in this effort, and tell your local gym to screw the conventional classes and give us something valuable like Undead Tactical Training to work with. Together, I believe we can barely survive this, and I mean that as the highest compliment to our human race. Actually that will probably be the catchphrase of the ZATCFW.
"Together we can. But just barely."