Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Alternate Universe Dinosaurs & Other Irrational Fears

I have a lot of irrational fears, one of which is waking up in an alternate universe in which a dinosaur (T-rex to be precise) rips the roof off my house and proceeds to kill me, gruesome dinosaur-style. This actually keeps me awake at night. Yes, it makes no sense, and I'm a little nervous to put the rest of my irrational fears to electronic papyrus because then you'll realize what a true and vigilant weirdo I am... but eff it, nah mean? Here goes cray cray:

- Toilet snakes. Srsly. It could happen. And I'm not gonna say I don't look down every five seconds into the bowl like a black ops scout when I'm doin ma business...because then I would be lying. That's exactly what I do.

- Ninjas. Accidentally pissing off a ninja would be the living WORST. At the end of each day I scan my brain for people I may have offended in the last 24 hours and rank them by seeming agility and continue to debate the likelihood of their ninja treehouse membership and my imminent demise via their katana.

- Strangers throwing acid in my face. If you have a cup and are walking toward me and I don't know you, you should know I'm having a silent war with myself about what the best ways to kill you are before aforementioned acid is thrown in my face. ampm cup enthusiasts beware.

(Two Face is a prime example of why you should always be wary of potential assholes with potential cups of acid)

-Zombie Apocalypse. My fascination and fear of this subject causes crazy ass nightmares on a fairly consistent basis. Although here's a fun little factoid, when you're having bad ass fighting dreams and you're bashing in some serious zombie mind grapes or doing feats of any genre of awesome, your muscles are actually learning the memory of those movements, so in reality you are more attuned to performing those actions. Sleep training FTW.

-That awkward moment when you're about to smush a spider with a napkin but then pussy out, because what if you miss and just piss it off and it's fast and bites the shit out of you and you die. Yeah, that awkward moment. I'm afraid of that.

                                                (Scared Yao meme knows what I'm talkin' about)

Share your own irrational fears in the comments. And then go high five a million angels.


  1. My contribution to your debilitating anxiety.


  2. Oh hey look that caused me to die from a heart attack.

  3. The warning stickers on the sides of vending machines cause a paranoid vision in my head of them jumping out and squashing me if I make a wrong move. I've been able to keep them in check so far, but I know someday, somewhere, I will get lax in an office building or a hospital and BOOM --- smooshed.