Sunday, July 15, 2012

A Housewife's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

NOTE: this might read a little weird because it's actually a sketch I wrote. For optimal effect picture it as a commercial done in a crackly sepia tone. Everything in italics is stage directions. I thought it'd be funny to contrast the horror of a zombie apocalypse with the bizarre concentration on inconsequential details that 50's housewives embodied. So that's what this is. Enjoy. Or don't. I DON'T EVEN CARE! Just kidding, I hope you like it.

                       A Housewife's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

(Leave it to Beaver music plays and fades out as a woman dressed like a 50's housewife comes out, very over the top 50's informercialesque)

Hi there, I'm Becky Sue Turner, and I'll be giving you helpful housewife tips on surviving the impending zombie apocalypse with a style and flair that only forward thinking women like us can handle. Well, that's if our husband's will allow it (she winks)

(a screaming girl on fire runs across the stage)

Jeepers! It sure is hot out here isn't it? That's due to the city collapsing in flame and widespread panic and pandemonium (she laughs charmingly). Let's take this shindig inside, afterall, most of your housewifely apocalypse duties will take place in your home or makeshift shelter. Before you go in grab a couple of dead non zombie corpses to take in with you. They should be easy to find and believe me, you will be grateful you did it later!

(she walks in the house)

The first and most obvious thing you should be tending to is the location of your husband and child (lights up on husband and Timmy, playing chess as in a still life painting). Once you find them cut open the corpses you've found and slather that carcass all over your bodies (they do). You see, the smell of death will let those mean old zombies pass right by you (an oven ding sound) Op! But don't forget that fresh baked pie! Not only will the zombies pass right by the smell of food but your family will enjoy the hearty treat!

Next, it's time become affiliated with your weapondry. (She grabs a Marlin .44 Magnum for herself as well as a small pistol) Most ladies of the house rightly leave this job to their husband, but duty calls in dire circumstances and on this day of the living dead even little Timmy gets a weapon! (she hands Timmy the pistol)

Timmy: Gee thanks Mom!

Housewife: You're welcome Timmy!

Since you are the perfect housewife and mother, you obviously have a stocked General Electric dual doored refrigerator with the Easy Shield backup generator (an ooooh from the studio audience)I know!

There should be no need to ransack any of your neighbors houses for at least a few weeks. But since you are so well prepared be warned, this makes you a target for any underprepared neighbors who just didn't have your good sense or style (we see a woman in ragged clothes and a knife trying to sneak in) And if they do try to enter your home (sees the woman, blows her away) what a wonderful opportunity to show that bitch Tammy and her award winning garden that YOU are in fact, the perfect housewife, and she's well, zombie quiche! (the family laughs, they find this hilarious)

                                                            (Mmmmmmm! Quiche!)

Now that you're fortified in your home with plenty of food it's time to fill up that bathtub with water. This is for when the town is falling to shambles and water to everyone that is still alive gets cut off and millions suffer from dehydration. Talk about a not-so-wet blanket! (She laughs again, a little longer and more menacing this time)

(We hear a little girl zombie moan and come onstage, she starts eating what is left of Tammy, the neighbor)

(the housewife gasps as if a guest for dinner has just rang the doorbell)

What a treat! I hear our first zombie! (She goes to the door grabs her gun ready to shoot, opens it, and sees it's a little girl. If it wasn't for her rotting flesh, she'd be downright adorable.)

Awwww, it's just a wittle fing! (looks back at her son throwing a ball up and down, bored as hell, looks back at the zombie)

When the correct opportunity arises it's important to think about the other aspects of life that will keep your family healthy and happy. Like enterainment. Timmy sure would get bored after awhile without a playmate, and take note that zombie children are much more docile than their adult counterparts. (takes a severed arm and plays fetch with the girl zombie)

Go get it! See? What a little darling. Zombie children can be hours of fun for your little one if imprisoned properly.

(throughout the next set of dialogue Timmy is playing with the zombie girl who is now on a leash being held by the mother. He plays keep away with various body parts he found outside from Tammy and then "tag")

You'll need a good strong collar and leash, plenty of body parts as treats, and a firm set of ground rules for Timmy, Tommy, or Little Johnny. He needs to know that having a zombie is a huge responsibility and that if he doesn't give it constant attention and clean up after it, well then you just might loosen that leash! (She does, the zombie lunges forward at Timmy and he screams and darts away)

(mother and father laugh hysterically)

Housewife and Father: Ohhhhh Timmy.

(Timmy laughs nervously)

(they go back to playing. A 50's love song plays. Father starts teaching Timmy how to waltz with his pet zombie...he and the zombie start to make googly eyes at each other, granted that she still pulling against the leash that Father is holding, trying to bite Timmy. Nevertheless, a look of love in both their eyes)

Do remember that a zombie pet can't last forever. Eventually as he crosses into manhood, Little Timmy will get those all too natural urges, and with you and his pet zombie as the only "females" around...well, you can imagine the kind of rock and hard place that puts you in. (while Timmy is distracted she takes the pet zombie out back, puts a gun to the back of her head while the zombie is busy eating a treat)

If you have any reservations about going through with this particular extermination because you've become attached to your pet zombie, just remember, the perfect housewife is only as good as the years of denial she's trained herself to be happy in (bang).

The last and most important thing you must remember as a housewife during the zombie apocalypse is to stay calm. Nothing will kill you and your family quicker than nerves and jitters! So sit back, relax, and wait for the world to end and then start all over again. Because I can guarantee, when it's time to rebuild humanity out of the broken shambles it will become, it's going to be up to you as a woman to do all of the work, and then give all of the credit to your alcoholic husband who's been banging corpses whenever he thought you weren't looking (she looks back at her clearly intoxicated husband, who is humping Tammy's corpse and giving his wife a thumbs up. She raises her eyebrows in disdain, looks back at the audience and gives a half hearted thumbs up in response)

Happy Apocalypse! Join us next time for helpful tips in a segment called Starting Over: Life After the Apocalypse While Going through Menopause. I'm Becky Sue Turner, let's kill some bitches.

(Leave it to Beaver music fades out)

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