Tinkerbell Asshole Toothfairy: A Scene

This is a sketch I wrote. Stage directions are in italics. Hopes and dreams are everywhere else on the page. Also, unicorn semen. There's quite a bit of that, too. Enjoy!

Tinkerbell Asshole Toothfairy

(lights up on a little girl with hideous mouth gear asleep in her bed. Tinkerbell comes in, clearly drunk and really pissed that this is her life now.)

TINK

Ok, let’s get this bullshit over with.

(gets out her $ bag, starts rummaging under the girl's pillow, the girl turns over with a sleepy groan right on Tink’s arm, she’s stuck)

You have got to kidding me.

(Tink yanks her arm 1,2, 333333 times. This fatty is not going anywhere, snoring like there’s no goddamn tomorrow. Tink has been through this before. She uses various methods to get the girl to turn over i.e. tickles resulting in the girl slapping Tink in the face. 

She grabs the teddy from under the girl and tries to lead her sleepingly away with it. The girl grabs it from Tink’s grasp and starts humping it. Tink is horrified. 

She realizes she’s gonna have to wake this kid up, takes a swig of the flask attached to her belt and grabs the glass of water by the bed and douses the girl with it. The girls wakes choking and gasping. Tink is nursing her crushed hand.)

GIRL

T-t-toofberry?

TINK

Hoo boy here we go. (tries her best fairy voice) Well hello little princess! I am the toothfairy, Tinkerbell! Here to take your molar the Great Tooth Wizard Beyond the Wall!

GIRL

Toofberry, why does your breath smell like mommy’s when she’s sad?

TINK

Oh man, this is bleak. Ok I’m gonna level with you Clearly A Mistake. Can I call you Mistake?

GIRL

My name is Judy.

TINK

Wow, couldn’t care if I tried. You seem like you’ve seen the darker side of things so I’m not gonna bullshit you. Here’s the deal, Mistake, I AM in fact the toothfairy and I’m kind of on a schedule so can we bypass this whole you’re a magical princess that is very special whatnot and get right to the exchange of goods and I’ll be on my glittery fuckin way.

GIRL

Toofberry, you seem sad. Whenever I’m sad my mind doctor says I should voice my concerns to my best friend Mr. Bear. (she shows Tink Mr. Bear the same toy she has very recently sleep masturbated with)

TINK

Yikes. Ok you wanna def jam poetry slam this nonsense? Fine. You ever been in love, Mistake?

GIRL

Well, I love my mommy and my daddy even though they make mad sounds at each other most times. And my stupid brother, even though he does weird things to my Barbies while he calls himself Dexter.

TINK

Soooo are we talking about you or are we talking about me, Mistake? Jesus, selfish much?

GIRL

Sorry, go ahead.

TINK

Ok, so there was this guy, Peter. And I should have known better, everyone was always sayin “Tink, what are you doing, ditch this guy, he’s clearly never going to grow up” and I was like “but you don’t KNOW him. And all my cd’s are in his treehouse, so it’s complicated.” But long story short he leaves me for this superslut named Wendy who only wears nighties!

GIRL

She sounds mean.

TINK

She WAS mean! You have no idea, Mistake. The shit I put up with. I mean I crossed shanks with pirates for that d-bag Peter. And what’s the thanks I get? Fucker can’t even clap his hands to keep me alive at the end. I mean granted that’s something I made up to feel validated, but still!

GIRL

My mind doctor says the only strength you need is the strength you find within yourself.

TINK

GAAAAYYYYY. Seriously? That is such epic crap. If  I had been smart I would’ve helped Hook take over Neverland. I coulda been something. Instead I’m here scraping for incisors trying to get a decent commission. Speaking of which let’s get this deal done with. Where’s the goods?

GIRL

Oh my mom took my teef and flushed them down the toilet. She said that’s where fairies live. It’s funny because her name is Wendy too!

TINK

Wait, her name is Wendy. Mistake, tell me, do you ever hear WHY your parents are fighting?

GIRL

Oh I don’t really know, sometimes I hear them yell about thimbles and lost boys. But I think they’re just talking about my brother. He might be gay.

TINK

Well…that is interesting. You know, Mistake…I like you. I’m gonna give you something to put in your mommy’s drink and once she drinks it you’ll be a fairy too and you can be glamorous like me and come live with the fairies. Would you like that?

GIRL

Live in the toilet?

TINK

NO WE DON’T LIVE IN THE TOI…ok no, nooooo, Mommy got that part wrong. We live in a palace where no mommies or daddies can tell you what to do and everyone makes beautiful dresses for your Barbies. Doesn’t that sound nice? Now take this and put in your mommy’s juice in the morning, ok?

GIRL

OKAY! I know that juice because it says Vodka on the side!

TINK

Dear God, ok never say I didn’t do you a favor Mistake. Now sleep well, I’ll see you in the palace tomorrow.

GIRL

You got it Toofberry! This is my dream come true!

TINK

Mine too, Mistake. Mine too. (takes a swig of her flask)

(Lights out. Yikes guys.)