Absentee Fairy Godmother

A Scene in Few to Several Minutes 

(open on a woman on the ground staring up at the barrel of a crackwhore’s gun. She is being robbed and fears for her life. Crackwhore has a rough cockney accent)

CRACKWHORE

I said gimme all your money!

VICTIM

I swear to God I don’t have money, please don’t kill me!

(magical fairy music plays, a Fairy Godmother appears)

FAIRY GODMOTHER

 Hello dear! I am your Fairy Godmother and I am here to make all your dreams come tr…oh my what are you doing to that poor young maiden?

CRACKWHORE

I’m getting me livin wage, mind your own business freak!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Oh…perhaps I have the wrong…aren’t you Cinderella?

CRACKWHORE

I used to be called Cinderella, now I go by Weasel, if you don’t mind. Now BUGGER OFF!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Oh dear I must be much later than I thought, you see I was to prepare you for the Prince’s Ball, but the Wizard Pass was jammed, there was an accident off of Fruitridge and I was wand to wand in traffic, you know how it goes.

CRACKWHORE

Get to the point or I’ll paint a new smile on you!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

The ball, dear girl! We must get you to the ball, we’ve not a second to lose!

CRACKWHORE

There was a ball, some 20 odd years ago. Changed me life forever. Made me Weasel.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Oh right, I always forget about that human to fairy time ratio. Blergh. But what about your animal friends, didn’t they help you realize your royal worth?

CRACKWHORE

If you’re makin gums about those mice and birds I heard talkin all the bloody time, they landed me in the psychiatric ward if you must know. Turns out hearing animals talk isn’t the best way to seem sane.

(Animals talking is primarily the result of tripping serious balls. See your local apothecary for treatment options.)

 

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Oh no, I am so sorry I wasn’t there to help you. I was going to conjure beautiful glass slippers for you to wear to the ball.

CRACKWHORE

Ah yeah? Maybe then I wouldn’t have walked barefoot to the ball and gotten me some wicked acute cellulitis. Thanks for nothing, now if you please I got some stabbing to tend to.

VICTIM

No! Please!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Wait! You didn’t even get the blueprints for the gown I designed for you? I faxed it to your father’s estate before I left!

CRACKWHORE

Seeing as my evil stepsister’s used the office to fax their buttcheeks to every duke in the kingdom, no I was never allowed in there after me father died. Never saw no gown. Fact, I walked to the ball in my rags and was immediately sent down to the servants quarters and sold into prostitution. That’s where I got me new name, Weasel.

                                                      (Yes. Yes you iz.)

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Well I was assigned to help you…become the princess of the kingdom.

CRACKWHORE

Let me get this right, I could’ve been princess of the kingdom, but because you got caught in traffic I’m here murderin for a pence?

VICTIM

Seriously, you are terrible at your job.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Hey hey hey! Let’s not point fingers here! I did my best! There was a sale at Wargstrom’s! Was I just supposed to pass up 50% on conjurer’s robes? That stuff is expensive! So I’m sorry that your life took a turn for the worse because of one little hiccup, but maybe that’s on you. Look at your life, look at your choices.

CRACKWHORE

Nah…I don’t think I buy that. I was your responsibility and you went and pulled a Gus Gus.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Oh my gooood! Gus Gus, how is he?

CRACKWHORE

I ate him! Because he kept talking to me, making me seem crazy! Now, I think you two should reunite, seeing as how now you can fudge things up together.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Now Cinderella, don’t do anything you’ll regret.

VICTIM

Do it. Do it for both of us…or don’t you remember me, Fairy Godmother?

FAIRY GODMOTHER AND CRACKWHORE

Bwahhh?

VICTIM

 

Red. Rose Red. Snow White to some. Infamous in the kingdom as being a total slut
bag because I lived with seven dudes. Maybe if my FAIRY GODMOTHER had shown up I never would have had to find safety in the arms of seven tiny men!

 

            (Snow White basically sucked at coping P.S.)

You’ve been letting women down all over the kingdom for years.

Now it’s high time for payback. Cinderella, is it? Let’s give this twinkly bitch what’s coming to her.

 

(they go after Fairy Godmother with a war cry and run her off. Lights Out.)

Tinkerbell Asshole Toothfairy: A Scene

This is a sketch I wrote. Stage directions are in italics. Hopes and dreams are everywhere else on the page. Also, unicorn semen. There's quite a bit of that, too. Enjoy!

Tinkerbell Asshole Toothfairy

(lights up on a little girl with hideous mouth gear asleep in her bed. Tinkerbell comes in, clearly drunk and really pissed that this is her life now.)

TINK

Ok, let’s get this bullshit over with.

(gets out her $ bag, starts rummaging under the girl's pillow, the girl turns over with a sleepy groan right on Tink’s arm, she’s stuck)

You have got to kidding me.

(Tink yanks her arm 1,2, 333333 times. This fatty is not going anywhere, snoring like there’s no goddamn tomorrow. Tink has been through this before. She uses various methods to get the girl to turn over i.e. tickles resulting in the girl slapping Tink in the face. 

She grabs the teddy from under the girl and tries to lead her sleepingly away with it. The girl grabs it from Tink’s grasp and starts humping it. Tink is horrified. 

She realizes she’s gonna have to wake this kid up, takes a swig of the flask attached to her belt and grabs the glass of water by the bed and douses the girl with it. The girls wakes choking and gasping. Tink is nursing her crushed hand.)

GIRL

T-t-toofberry?

TINK

Hoo boy here we go. (tries her best fairy voice) Well hello little princess! I am the toothfairy, Tinkerbell! Here to take your molar the Great Tooth Wizard Beyond the Wall!

GIRL

Toofberry, why does your breath smell like mommy’s when she’s sad?

TINK

Oh man, this is bleak. Ok I’m gonna level with you Clearly A Mistake. Can I call you Mistake?

GIRL

My name is Judy.

TINK

Wow, couldn’t care if I tried. You seem like you’ve seen the darker side of things so I’m not gonna bullshit you. Here’s the deal, Mistake, I AM in fact the toothfairy and I’m kind of on a schedule so can we bypass this whole you’re a magical princess that is very special whatnot and get right to the exchange of goods and I’ll be on my glittery fuckin way.

GIRL

Toofberry, you seem sad. Whenever I’m sad my mind doctor says I should voice my concerns to my best friend Mr. Bear. (she shows Tink Mr. Bear the same toy she has very recently sleep masturbated with)

TINK

Yikes. Ok you wanna def jam poetry slam this nonsense? Fine. You ever been in love, Mistake?

GIRL

Well, I love my mommy and my daddy even though they make mad sounds at each other most times. And my stupid brother, even though he does weird things to my Barbies while he calls himself Dexter.

TINK

Soooo are we talking about you or are we talking about me, Mistake? Jesus, selfish much?

GIRL

Sorry, go ahead.

TINK

Ok, so there was this guy, Peter. And I should have known better, everyone was always sayin “Tink, what are you doing, ditch this guy, he’s clearly never going to grow up” and I was like “but you don’t KNOW him. And all my cd’s are in his treehouse, so it’s complicated.” But long story short he leaves me for this superslut named Wendy who only wears nighties!

GIRL

She sounds mean.

TINK

She WAS mean! You have no idea, Mistake. The shit I put up with. I mean I crossed shanks with pirates for that d-bag Peter. And what’s the thanks I get? Fucker can’t even clap his hands to keep me alive at the end. I mean granted that’s something I made up to feel validated, but still!

GIRL

My mind doctor says the only strength you need is the strength you find within yourself.

TINK

GAAAAYYYYY. Seriously? That is such epic crap. If  I had been smart I would’ve helped Hook take over Neverland. I coulda been something. Instead I’m here scraping for incisors trying to get a decent commission. Speaking of which let’s get this deal done with. Where’s the goods?

GIRL

Oh my mom took my teef and flushed them down the toilet. She said that’s where fairies live. It’s funny because her name is Wendy too!

TINK

Wait, her name is Wendy. Mistake, tell me, do you ever hear WHY your parents are fighting?

GIRL

Oh I don’t really know, sometimes I hear them yell about thimbles and lost boys. But I think they’re just talking about my brother. He might be gay.

TINK

Well…that is interesting. You know, Mistake…I like you. I’m gonna give you something to put in your mommy’s drink and once she drinks it you’ll be a fairy too and you can be glamorous like me and come live with the fairies. Would you like that?

GIRL

Live in the toilet?

TINK

NO WE DON’T LIVE IN THE TOI…ok no, nooooo, Mommy got that part wrong. We live in a palace where no mommies or daddies can tell you what to do and everyone makes beautiful dresses for your Barbies. Doesn’t that sound nice? Now take this and put in your mommy’s juice in the morning, ok?

GIRL

OKAY! I know that juice because it says Vodka on the side!

TINK

Dear God, ok never say I didn’t do you a favor Mistake. Now sleep well, I’ll see you in the palace tomorrow.

GIRL

You got it Toofberry! This is my dream come true!

TINK

Mine too, Mistake. Mine too. (takes a swig of her flask)

(Lights out. Yikes guys.) 

Know Name Love

The general whatnot of this post is as follows:

Knowledge shmoledge, just fucking DO something (constructive though, don't be a dick).

You need not read further.

But by chance you do, I have reasons. I've been learning a lot about improvisation, that "least respected, but by far hardest-to-do-really-well" forms of theater. See, while this form of theater prides itself on "not having rules," one will surely fail without some asshole-proof guidelines. One guideline of which is "Know. Name. Love"

              (Oh shit. Know Name Love? I think I saw them at Burning Man.)

It's useful but not as simple as you think. The premise is as such: Whatever improvisational game you enter you establish by knowing (family, friend, coach, doctor, etc) your partner, naming (Jim, Joe, Beth, Normal Name McGoo) them, and loving (not necessarily in the biblical sense, but maybe sometimes if it's apro-status) them.

Mr. Rogers (yeah, I'm bringing up Mr. Rogers. DEAL. WITH. THAT.) said the reason he went into television was because whenever he turned on the TV as a child it was filled with angry people that were mean to each other and he wanted to provide an alternative. In essence, Mr. Rogers wanted to Know Name Love the pants off of the television watching masses. And I like that.

Keep in mind this was when TV was almost just invented and they just hadn't figured out The New Girl/Friends best friend-roommate-romantic interest format yet.

                (Hey, if it works...do it again 10 years later...is the old adage. Right?)

Arneways. Not a typo. Know Name Love. It's hard because if I can't remember someone I have just mets' (wow I am so aware that apostrophe does NOT go there but it is a mystery to me as to where it does) name 10 seconds after they tell it to me IRL, than far be it from anyone* to assume that I will remember it in a high stress situation onstage doing things that are things that lead to sometimes laughter, but most times panic attacks.

Know Name Love.

Deep, yo.

I've been using this on the day to day in non-stage relations, and the pay off is astounding. Mostly the last part, Love. Making an effort to love the people you're not necessarily attune to loving...man is that a trip. People actually respond positively to your love for them??? What sorcery is this? Not right away, but gnaw away with your love molars (and DON'T be sarcastic about it. You think you're Regina from Mean Girls? Well, YOU'RE NOT and even if you were, that bitch got hit by a bus, people tend to forget that) they'll get that sexy infection that is your friendship eventually. Guaranteed.

Know, Name, Love. I lost the original point somewhere early on, but I would hope you're used to that by now.



*yeah I thought it was "for" as well and guess what, we're both dumb. Go here http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/far+be+it+from+me+to

*IRL- I didn't put an asterisk next to it because I didn't want to embarrass you. IRL means In Real Life. Don't go into any other internet forum without this knowledge.

Ender Will Save Us All

Today we dabble on the subject of literary heroes. Both the writers and the heroes they create.

I'd like to focus on Orson Scott Card in this nonsense doodad I call meh blog. First off let me say I know little to nothing about anything and I only have my naysay opinions and life experiences to run off of so keep that in mind while we delve, you and I.

In light of the film coming out of Ender's Game there's been a lot of upheaval involving the gay community concerning Orson Scott Card's clearly dickish stance on gay marriage and all things not right wing (I've linked his essay here but be warned it is absolute puke status, I could barely get through it). This was a fairly recent discovery on my part, probs within the last few months that one of my literary heroes was a bigot and using the funds I had provided as a fan and follower to finance hate. By no means am I okay with this. HOWEVER. And this is a big however, so much so that I feel the need to move on to a new paragraph...

No matter how much of a shithead a person is in life, I believe everyone has something positive to offer the world. Ender's Game changed my life. It changed my perspective in a very positive and reinforcing way and made me stronger. I will never let go of that. That book and it's message was a gift to me. I had a hero, not just Ender but Bean and Petra and Nikolai and Alai and the list indeed goes on. So many characters had such vibrant redeeming characteristics all making up for each other's losses that I couldn't help but think what a brilliant piece of work it was. Like dayum.

I could metaphorically jizz all over this post with praise for that book, but I won't because it's besides the point. The point is, Card gave me a hero, NAY, several heroes I could look up to and if I had never known that their author and creator was such a dillweed, I know my reverence for that series would never have been called into question. But I do know. So what do I do. Is the question. Is the point.

I turmoil. I know that's not a verb but go ahead and deal with it. I stopped eating at Chick-Fil-A, I stopped shopping at Urban Outfitters (I've recently discovered this was a personal contribution by their CEO and was not directly affiliated with the store as interwebbed here), I stopped thrifting at Salvation Army, but this one gives me pause. This one lacerates my feeling box. Because it means more. It's like someone telling you Frank Miller is a pedophile.

That. Would. Suck.

And he's not so cool your cakes.

I don't even know how to end this post because I don't know how I feel anymore. I like to weigh my judgments cautiously in spite of my 5 year old demeanor. I don't feel like anything I have read up to this point by Card had any semblance of hate toward any group be it the majority or minority of the world. Every message has been an idea of hope, intelligence, and persistence. As one of my other positive influences would say "Ideas are bulletproof." Oh god no one ruin Alan Moore for me please.

Ideas are universal and owned by no one (thank fucking God). They live inside all of us and are bred from each other from the beginning of time, stemming from each other and growing with wild abandon. Ideas can be bad and good and as long as they affect you and make you think about your life...well then be grateful for that. I'd rather sit here and stew and contemplate my own stance on how I spend my meager time on this earth than waste it by...ya know...not doing that...or whatever.

Use your time wisely. There, that's sage. I did it. Blog over.