Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Absentee Fairy Godmother

A Scene in Few to Several Minutes 

(open on a woman on the ground staring up at the barrel of a crackwhore’s gun. She is being robbed and fears for her life. Crackwhore has a rough cockney accent)


CRACKWHORE

I said gimme all your money!

VICTIM

I swear to God I don’t have money, please don’t kill me!

(magical fairy music plays, a Fairy Godmother appears)

FAIRY GODMOTHER

 Hello dear! I am your Fairy Godmother and I am here to make all your dreams come tr…oh my what are you doing to that poor young maiden?

CRACKWHORE

I’m getting me livin wage, mind your own business freak!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Oh…perhaps I have the wrong…aren’t you Cinderella?

CRACKWHORE

I used to be called Cinderella, now I go by Weasel, if you don’t mind. Now BUGGER OFF!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Oh dear I must be much later than I thought, you see I was to prepare you for the Prince’s Ball, but the Wizard Pass was jammed, there was an accident off of Fruitridge and I was wand to wand in traffic, you know how it goes.

CRACKWHORE

Get to the point or I’ll paint a new smile on you!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

The ball, dear girl! We must get you to the ball, we’ve not a second to lose!

CRACKWHORE

There was a ball, some 20 odd years ago. Changed me life forever. Made me Weasel.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Oh right, I always forget about that human to fairy time ratio. Blergh. But what about your animal friends, didn’t they help you realize your royal worth?

CRACKWHORE

If you’re makin gums about those mice and birds I heard talkin all the bloody time, they landed me in the psychiatric ward if you must know. Turns out hearing animals talk isn’t the best way to seem sane.
(Animals talking is primarily the result of tripping serious balls. See your local apothecary for treatment options.)
 

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Oh no, I am so sorry I wasn’t there to help you. I was going to conjure beautiful glass slippers for you to wear to the ball.

CRACKWHORE

Ah yeah? Maybe then I wouldn’t have walked barefoot to the ball and gotten me some wicked acute cellulitis. Thanks for nothing, now if you please I got some stabbing to tend to.

VICTIM

No! Please!

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Wait! You didn’t even get the blueprints for the gown I designed for you? I faxed it to your father’s estate before I left!

CRACKWHORE

Seeing as my evil stepsister’s used the office to fax their buttcheeks to every duke in the kingdom, no I was never allowed in there after me father died. Never saw no gown. Fact, I walked to the ball in my rags and was immediately sent down to the servants quarters and sold into prostitution. That’s where I got me new name, Weasel.
                                                      (Yes. Yes you iz.)

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Well I was assigned to help you…become the princess of the kingdom.

CRACKWHORE

Let me get this right, I could’ve been princess of the kingdom, but because you got caught in traffic I’m here murderin for a pence?

VICTIM

Seriously, you are terrible at your job.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Hey hey hey! Let’s not point fingers here! I did my best! There was a sale at Wargstrom’s! Was I just supposed to pass up 50% on conjurer’s robes? That stuff is expensive! So I’m sorry that your life took a turn for the worse because of one little hiccup, but maybe that’s on you. Look at your life, look at your choices.

CRACKWHORE

Nah…I don’t think I buy that. I was your responsibility and you went and pulled a Gus Gus.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Oh my gooood! Gus Gus, how is he?

CRACKWHORE

I ate him! Because he kept talking to me, making me seem crazy! Now, I think you two should reunite, seeing as how now you can fudge things up together.

FAIRY GODMOTHER

Now Cinderella, don’t do anything you’ll regret.

VICTIM

Do it. Do it for both of us…or don’t you remember me, Fairy Godmother?

FAIRY GODMOTHER AND CRACKWHORE

Bwahhh?

VICTIM
 
Red. Rose Red. Snow White to some. Infamous in the kingdom as being a total slut
bag because I lived with seven dudes. Maybe if my FAIRY GODMOTHER had shown up I never would have had to find safety in the arms of seven tiny men!
 
            (Snow White basically sucked at coping P.S.)

You’ve been letting women down all over the kingdom for years.
Now it’s high time for payback. Cinderella, is it? Let’s give this twinkly bitch what’s coming to her.
 
(they go after Fairy Godmother with a war cry and run her off. Lights Out.)